Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Fly Away Dear Mother

Good morning dear Mother
- I am safe
- I did not die
though I wanted to,
hoped to
and almost tried.

But I stopped
because you taught me how important living is.
And I want to live.

And not be bound by all the trappings of my mind that spirals down into abyss twirling and swirling and spinning until I am small so very very small and alone and only alcohol takes away the pain - like when I began in a liquored sea under my mother's heart.

I stopped myself mother because you took me from a place of empty arms into your home and
into your heart and you poured everything you had to give into me
- to help me and now I want to change and grow again
- to get up from where I have fallen back and back and down.

Pray for me mom
- that I find another man
- I cannot be alone at night for I am scared
- so scared to be alone and so I go alone to where a friend stays and never leaves
- an old friend I met not long ago but for always
- my bottle friend
- who comes when I am in pain
- to relieve my mind of the twisting and turning and twirling. It does not let go because I come
back to open the cap and drink the drink and feel the forgetfulness I seem to need when nothing matters anymore and I cannot go on, but then I must.

I must wake up and I want to live and not continue in such a way as I have done once again
- once again I fell so hard but this time I saved myself not you mom not you chasing me
- finding me
- picking me up from places you have never been,
nor would ever go because of who you are.

But you went
- each time before because of me.
Because you loved me
- you came to find your little one
- lost, hurt and alone..

So mom I called you this morning. Because I know that you're love is real and you do not forget the little girl who did work a job and did graduate from high school and did learn to do so many things others said I could not do. But I could. And I can do them again - I can you will see. I will try to fly again. Perhaps there is another way.

This place is safe mom - you put me here to keep me safe when I was just a fledgling adult
- a child really now I know, but I am 21 and oh so much wiser
- perhaps.

Perhaps not.
I dunno.

I asked for help to come where I knew I would be kept safe and warm and cared about
a place where people like me with no one come when they are scared and alone

- those who come regularly call this place heaven.

Those who live on the street and under bridges and sleep with plastic bags for quilts. Once again I see my dad, the man who gave me life
- yellow and withered
- here in the place he told me was heaven
- county detox
- his life so hard. He's over 50 and he still has not learned to read!

I cannot call it heaven mom for I have a home
- an apartment -
I have a family and 13 birds that call me their mother
- birds of every color of the rainbow that sing me to sleep
and wake me in the morning to their songs.

What will happen to my birds mom?

Will you come and care for them and keep them safe and warm while I am here
- becoming once again the me I lost
- the me lost to the bottle before I was even born.

I want to fly mom.
I want to fly fly away and be safe.
Life is so hard
....but I won't quit.

Perhaps we can all pray for all our young people with FASDS who try so hard.

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